Updated: Jan 22, 2020
Struggling over the past few months on how to express what I felt, because it was easier to put into words what my lips could not say. As I begin to write these words to him I think this; Losing us has been painful, and self-destructive. It’s been heartbreaking and damaging. It wasn’t me going out and partying with friends celebrating this “single life” to try and forget you. It wasn’t me, distracted by someone new because I deserve better. It’s me staying up at three in the morning because the thought of missing you was overwhelming. It’s been me giving myself pep talks to hold it together and not let the voice crack every time I was asked about you. It was me swallowing my tears often and holding my head up to not let a tear roll down. It's been me crying at random hours during the day and to be honest sometimes just not wanting to get out of bed. It was me deleting every conversation to not see your name and want to text you. Its me months later, still unable to let go. Its me playing the part… you know smiling, laughing showing it doesn’t hurt, even when it still feels like yesterday.“Wanting love from someone who doesn’t want you will destroy your fucking heart.” It causes you to feel broken and not enough. Years later, I realize the Residue from the past still lingers. When people put you down enough, you start to believe it… the bad stuff is easier to believe sometimes.
While I am hurt, I am not angry. Falling in love with you made my once-broken heart believe in love again. You gave me several new reasons to smile and gave me Hope. I regret nothing, because you opened up my eyes to a lot of things, so no matter what it will always be a win.
See, I realize that we have this idea of how things are supposed to be, and when it it doesn't go as planned we think we have lost. We blame ourselves inevitably. We forget we are human, and don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes. We forget we are all flawed souls trying to figure this thing called life and mistakes are okay. Truth is, none of us start out knowing what we are doing and we all suffer from something. Somewhere along your path, you will struggle, fail, fall and break a little. No matter how successful you are in life, struggling is part of everyone’s path. Even in the loss, theirs a win. Only in the feeling of brokenness, failure, can you gain strength to mend and build yourself up again. Hard, but not impossible.
No one can help who they love, because the heart wants what it wants. I read this quote that says " If you never heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you. " The people who are meant to be in your life are the ones who have gone to hell with you and came back with you. God's timing and not mine and whats meant to be no one can take from you. The hardest thing to be is what other people want you to be or do. Vulnerability, is hard and to be open is not always easy. But I've built more friendships with people by being open and real about my struggles than I ever could have by pretending to have it all together. So remember, behind every smile, there’s a story.